I Don’t Usually Advertise My Jewishness

I don’t usually advertise my Jewishness.

I don’t wear a star of David around my neck, and I definitely don’t wear one of those dog tags saying free the hostages.

In fact, when I see one of them I wince.

How could they be so blatant about their beliefs? I ask myself.

I live in NYC, the city with the most Jews per capita in the United States, and I still don’t advertise my Jewishness.

If someone asks me, I will tell them, but I don’t offer it. I never have.

Even when someone stops me on the street and asks me if I want to go to Church this Sunday, I just say no thanks.

I don’t say, well no, I’m not interested, because I’m Jewish.

I grew up in the South East and I wanted to blend in.

It was always a badge of honor when someone said “you don’t look Jewish”.

Some might say I’m a self hating Jew, but maybe what I really feel is shame.

Shame for feeling I need to always hide my Jewishness.

Shame for what happened before and what is happening now.

Antisemitism. Name calling. Even in NYC. On college campuses. In front of synagogues. On social media.

I hate that supporters of Palestine put us all into one box.

Saying that just because we are Jewish that we don’t care about human life and liberty.

I support Israel as a Jewish state.

I abhor Hamas and their terrorist acts.

I also strongly disagree with the current Israeli government and its leader who isn’t doing much to help it’s citizens, or those who aren’t citizens but make Israel their home.

At the same time, I believe Israel has a right to defend itself when it is attacked.

I also think they need to figure out a sustainable way to end the current conflict.

My heart breaks when I hear about civilians suffering and starving on the Gaza Strip.

I don’t agree with the settlements and think they need to stop.

I support a two state solution even if that’s an unpopular idea among certain groups.

But I haven’t posted these declarations on my social platforms because I fear what people will think and say about me.

Once again, I don’t advertise.

I’m not brave like those Jews wearing yamakas. Wearing the Jewish star or a dog tag proudly around their neck.

I think I might lose some followers.

I might be the target of pro-Palestinian vitriol.

Or maybe worse, other Jews, who are more conservative, more right wing politically than me, will tell me I am wrong.

As Passover is now here, as it always comes each Spring, while the flowers gave birth to themselves and a profusion of colorful petals pervade our neighborhoods,

And we think about those who have been and are now trapped and enslaved, and yearning to be free,

I am thinking about my own mental enslavement.

I am a slave to fear.

I am afraid to say exactly what I think.

To advertise my beliefs about my imperfect Jewishness.

And to not feel shame all these years long for being a Jew.