I injured my vagina during the toilet paper shortage of 2020

I injured my vagina during the toilet paper shortage of 2020, and I’m not kidding.

You’re probably thinking “that’s not possible” or wondering why I’m telling you this.

I feel that I must share because the toilet paper brouhaha is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to talking about our vaginas as we age. We don’t normally talk about everything having to do with our sexual and reproductive health as we get older, and that’s just not right.

So, let’s get down and dirty about this. How did this happen? Well, my middle-aged vagina has been having a hard time with dryness for a while and it all began right around the time I went off the pill when I turned fifty-two, two years ago.

My doctor said I needed to stop taking it because of the risk of stroke and cancer, and there really wasn’t any chance I’d get pregnant. Well, I am married, and my husband and I do have sex, but when’s the last time you’ve heard of a fifty-something woman accidentally getting knocked up?

Menopause kicked in about two weeks later when the hot flashes began. But that wasn’t all I was in for — the itching started too. Boy did it ever. I thought I was getting recurring yeast infections. The over the counter Monistat didn’t do much of anything, and when I went to my doctor to get checked out, she said there wasn’t anything wrong with me. She said that I might be using products that were irritating me. She also put me on hormone replacement: an estrogen patch and Progesterone pills. These have helped with the hot flashes but have not helped with the dryness.

So, I tried fragrance free shower gel. I tried Cetaphil. I tried lubricants. I tried washing with only water. I tried washing with water and very mild oatmeal soap. Nothing helped in the long term.

And then COVID hit, and we all know about the toilet paper shortages. Was it the hoarding or the supply chain? Both. But I didn’t realize that using a variety of shitty toilet paper — the only toilet paper I could find — could push my middle-aged vulva over the edge.

I believe it was the extra-strength Cottonelle that was the culprit. I remember using it and feeling like I cut myself. Down there. And I was indeed bleeding a little bit. I finally put two and two together and went in search for very soft toilet tissue. I was able to find Charmin Ultra Soft at my regular market, and I bought a twelve-pack. I may need to buy stock in it.

Things are a little bit better down there right now that the lovely Charmin and I have reconnected, but it’s not the only thing I need to keep in mind now. I need to treat my vulva and vagina like the delicate flower that it is. I may need to up my hormones to help with this, and I will certainly ask my doctor what else I can take next time I see her, but otherwise, my vagina needs the same loving care as my face. Apparently, in order to stay feeling as young as I look, I need to spend more dollars and time on my lower body instead of only buying my favorite and invariably expensive Clé de Peau products from Saks to use on my face and neck.

I’ve already started ordering some Love Wellness branded products such as an unscented vaginal wash, intimate wipes, and I might just buy the vitamins too. From the hundreds of positive comments on Amazon, from women just like me, this might just do the trick.

So, my lady friends, the moral of this story is to follow my lead and not only get the softest toilet paper you can find, but really get to know your vagina and vulva, and make her the happiest you can. Because if your vagina is happy, you are happy.